Watching reality TV, especially romantic reality TV, can be a painful experience. The overdramatic fights, the fabricated love stories, the stressful but unnecessary competitions that producers seem so fond of, and the evidently artificial nature of seemingly every encounter all make reality TV far from rejuvenating. Yet, there is a way to watch this soul-sucking (but strangely satisfying) type of television. So, if you’ve gotten to the point where you have no choice but to watch romance reality TV, read this list. You may not agree with the opinions, you may even resent them, but its insight might just save you a couple of valuable hours of your life.
No. 8: The Ultimatum (season three)
Of all these tragic dating game shows, The Ultimatum by far takes the cake for the most painful watch. There are six couples composed of one person who wants to get married and one who doesn’t. Just the concept of the show is depressing; the person who issued the ultimatum is basically just trying to convince their significant other that they should get married, and everybody is seemingly attracted to everyone except their significant other.. There are arguments and tears aplenty, lots of “it’s not the right time,” and to top it off, what can only be described as a wife swap.
Hosts Nick and Vanessa Lachey are at it again, imparting sage advice that viewers have to question. Perhaps the real secret to a happy marriage is hosting three reality TV shows together! But to be fair, it’s engaging; it was hard not to scream at the screen when contestant Dave was telling his girlfriend Vanessa that there was a “high likelihood he connects with someone else” and then proceeded to name Mariah as someone he was interested in. Dave, you’re a five dating a 10. Quit while you’re ahead.
Mariah and Caleb look like siblings, Caleb doesn’t even want to be here, Chanel thinks marriage automatically means kids, and there is absolutely no way Sandy will stay loyal to her boyfriend. If by the end of the season any of these couples do end up married, they will have a lot to work through after eight weeks of being on The Ultimatum.
No. 7: The Bachelor (season 29)
The Bachelor’s first issue is its location. All of these people are chatting it up in a terrifying motel resort hotel that looks part Mediterranean villa, part medieval stronghold, and part Las Vegas casino. Issue number two is that the bachelor truly thinks he can connect on an individual level with each of the thirty women he’s all dating simultaneously. What none of them seem to understand is that you absolutely do not want a husband who is willing to date thirty women at once in order to get to you.
Truth be told, by no means is The Bachelor even remotely about the Bachelor. He’s completely irrelevant. It’s just about the women and the insanity that they’re all dating the same man, as if the whole thing is some sort of sick social experiment. It feels like all the women secretly despise one another, and the man himself has about two thoughts floating around in his head. If there’s an objectively attractive man who allegedly has a ton of redeeming qualities, why in the world would he be going on a reality TV show to find true love? What is it about him that has prevented him from finding a fulfilling, genuine connection with someone else? Fill in the blanks, ladies, fill in the blanks.
No. 6: Love is Blind (season eight)
Picture this: what feels like 60 single people nursing metal wine glasses, none able to connect with others in real life, now at the point where they’re willing to trust Nick and Vanessa Lachey (whose teeth are so white they could blind love itself) both with their hearts and when the pair claims they’re in a happy marriage. Now imagine them entering rooms and awkwardly talking to other contestants without ever seeing their faces or bodies for 10 straight days. Congratulations, you’ve already watched Love is Blind.
The average contestant goes in one of two directions: if they’re a man, they’re either short, unattractive, or both, and if they’re a woman, they’re older than 30. The contestants’ desperation is palpable, and it was nearly impossible to watch the show through the end. Nobody was likable, the whole plot was weird, it was strangely dystopian (they’re communicating from “pods”), and the show gave us absolutely zero faith that romantic attraction based solely on personality can exist. Save yourself the suffering and skip this blind blunder of a Netflix show.
No. 5: Temptation Island (season nine)
Temptation Island is for long-term couples in dying relationships. It’s for repeat cheating offenders, their poor (but not-too-innocent themselves) partners, and unhealthy amounts of jealousy. Or toxic controlling behavior, depending on how you look at it. Couples with relationship lengths ranging from one to around four years head to a tropical location, determined to cement the value of their relationship…by surrounding themselves with 15 people dead-set on becoming homewreckers.
At the end of introductions, it was sort of dumbfounding: not a single person on the island was likeable. This realization, combined with the host’s vivid white teeth and the parade of attractive “tempters and tempresses” aggressively strutting into view, made the first 15 minutes wildly overstimulating. As we quickly learned, the tempters had only two goals: squeeze themselves into as tiny a swimsuit as possible, then devise a platoon of raunchy one-liners to delight contestants and infuriate their significant others.
By the end of the first episode, it was clear that not a single one of these four couples would make it through the season without developing additional trust issues. If you have to go on Temptation Island to determine if your relationship is worth continuing, you already have your answer: it’s not.
No. 4: Love on the Spectrum (season three)
If you can get through an entire season of Love on the Spectrum, you deserve a standing ovation. The show is entertaining, maybe, but riveting? Definitely not. It was almost impossible to watch the couples aggressively make out in front of their parents, who are very much present in most contestants’ lives. That said, Love on the Spectrum is considerably more wholesome and genuine than all others on this list; it was actually believable that the participants were looking for a romantic connection and not just physical intimacy. Their parents, on the other hand, were not so convincing and were clearly reading off a script.
For all the awkward speed dating scenes and niche collections (coins, sure, but American Girl Dolls?), the contestants were lovable and restored our faith in humanity, which was lacking after watching certain other shows on this list. If you’re looking for a show centered around true, heartfelt love rather than superficial sexual connections, Love on the Spectrum is the show for you. Just be prepared for an overwhelming amount of PDA and less-than-suave pick-up lines.
No. 3: The Perfect Match (season two)
Don’t be fooled by the title: not a single contestant on this show has the potential to find a perfect match. Just the fact that they’ve all failed to find love on their previous dating reality shows should give it away. Fortunately, they probably won’t mind leaving the show without a spouse since they clearly all just want to win for the fame and the all-expenses-paid vacation. The Perfect Match is essentially Love Island, but All-Stars edition. All of the contestants came in already notorious (does the name Harry Jowsey ring a bell? No? Apparently, he made quite the reputation for himself during his time on Too Hot to Handle). If you missed Nick Lachey hosting Love is Blind and The Ultimatum, never fear: he’s back to host The Perfect Match! This might be his creepiest role yet; he seemed perfectly content to sit back and watch the contestants do lap dances and body shots. Which, by the way, weren’t even the craziest challenges…
The biggest takeaways: the vibes were weirdly competitive, most people were just coupled up because the person they actually wanted to couple with didn’t want them, and, let’s face it, finding a perfect match isn’t what most of them were there for. As Harry said, “People that tend to go on reality shows aren’t really the best people.” Harry, you pretty much summed it up.
No. 2: Farmer Wants a Wife (season three)
At first glance, Farmer Wants a Wife appears outrageously sexist, but after a more in-depth watch, you will find that the only misogyny present is men online shopping for future wives and dating eight women at once, and said eight women competing for the attention of a man. Oh, and that the male farmers are in total control of the process and get to select a wife at the end, rather than an authentic relationship where both parties have the same amount of power. That’s really it.
The four horticulturist bachelors swiped through many cake-faced southern-wannabe belles, selecting their top eight to join them on their farm, a setting that, of course, calls for sundresses, lipstick, and… high heels? In a nutshell, Farmer Wants a Wife is just The Bachelor multiplied by four and with cowboy hats. However, the contestants are wildly entertaining, the concept is at least somewhat original, and it’s surprisingly wholesome: no bikinis or disturbingly sexual challenges. Viewers even get to know the four farmers pretty well, and although you won’t remember their names, you can remember them by their personas: “the California one, the ex-football player, the one with the kid, and the law school one with the mullet.” Please don’t mistake this as a recommendation, per se, but don’t take it as discouragement either.
No. 1: Too Hot to Handle (season six)
Please do not ever watch this with a parent, respected elder, or really anybody older than 40. You can understand Too Hot to Handle simply by its core elements: tiny swimsuits, a beach villa, a pool no one swims in, a talking cone, and 60 collective brain cells, give or take. The premise is similarly straightforward: gather 10-16 hypersexual 20-something-year-old singles, place them in a sultry beachside location, then add in a sex ban enforced by a talking cone named Lana, and voila! You have Too Hot to Handle.
However, minus its inability to ever, ever be a family-friendly show, Too Hot to Handle is genuinely a riot. It’s dramatic without being draining, purposeful without being unrealistic (because let’s be for real, none of this is going to result in true love), and strangely honest. With the exception of a couple of seasons and situations, most contestants are reasonable human beings who, despite carrying far more baggage than what’s packed in their tiny suitcase, are at least up-front about their desires. For all of their flaws, each has the confidence and freedom to go after what they want, and isn’t that what we’re all looking for?
