The joys of the boys bathroom
October 7, 2021
The highlight of my day at school is using the boys bathroom. Every menial step in a normal bathroom is enhanced tenfold in this delightful, closet-like heaven. Before I walk through the door – which is always invitingly wide open – a freshman will pop out from behind it, trailing the oh-so-wonderful cotton candy flavored puff from his vape pen as a greeting.
Already feeling regenerated, I opt not to use the small urinal, as I will feel like a four-year-old, and there is someone using the one right next to it. If you decide to go down this path, please enjoy the awkward predicament of the absence of a divider.
As I enter a stall, I am welcomed by the wonderful aroma of skunk that, as I have learned, is absolutely not a skunk. Compounded with the smells coming from the freshman’s vape pen (who still hasn’t left), the bathroom has the fragrance of a homeless encampment.
As I attempt to exit the stall, the lock on the door beckons me to drop my backpack and stay awhile. After about five minutes of jimmying the lock like an escaped convict, I burst through the stall door, with a commotion strongly suggesting I must have been robbed while in the stall.
While wondering why everyone in the bathroom has their hands on their head, I decide to fix my hair to look presentable when I arrive back in class. Surprisingly, the bathroom mirror seems to have had a minor fight with a housecat, as the mirror has scratch marks and dents that resemble a funhouse mirror, making you look like Kevin James.
Instead of washing your hands, I recommend rubbing your hands all over the knobs of the sink, so you may maintain a healthy immune system. And, like leaving a sauna, you will feel reenergized as you leave. These wonderful circumstances mingle unconditional discomfort with a confusingly hot, smelly environment, as bewildered occupants wonder just what they have gotten themselves into.