We have a confession to make: Crumbl cookie isn’t worth the hype. We were psyched to review this week’s set of desserts, but the reality was depressing. If the cookies even tasted like cookies at all, they still maintained an artificial, chemical-y flavor that really didn’t feel worth the five dollars. The lineup featured Crumbl’s Brownie Batter Cookie back for another round, the sizable Snickerdoodle Sandwich Cookie, the sickening Sea Salt Toffee Skillet Cookie, and the off-putting Raspberry Cheesecake Cookie. If you missed this week, don’t cry yourself to sleep.

No. 4: Raspberry Cheesecake Cookie

We had high expectations for this cookie, but it was the most twisted of them all. First off, the Raspberry Cheesecake Cookie was supposed to be, as in the name, a cheesecake-flavored cookie with a raspberry topping, right? Wrong. In fact, according to Crumbl’s website (we can’t verify if this is true or not because the cookie itself tasted like Kinetic Sand made out of mashed-up cardboard), this cookie’s base is actually graham cracker-flavored. We can’t make this stuff up. Moreover, in the photos, Crumbl’s Raspberry Cheesecake Cookie appears to be perfectly inoffensive, with no strange plot twists; however, the actual dessert itself has a circle of wood-chipping-reminiscent crumbs along its edges, which we certainly didn’t bargain for. Given its status as yet another case of misleading promotion from Crumbl’s advertising team, the Raspberry Cheesecake Cookie deserves 1.5 out of five feathers.

No. 3 Sea Salt Toffee Skillet Cookie

Talk about false advertising. On Crumbl’s website, the Sea Salt Toffee Skillet Cookie looks delicious, even decadent. But in person? It’s a pathetic pan-shaped cookie with an off-center dollop of some suspicious cream-colored substance on top. There are a few toffee bits and about three stick-looking chocolate stripes, but it’s a ridiculously far cry from the majestic creation Crumbl posted online. Biting into this cookie was unsettling. We were too distracted by the disturbing scoop of cream that tasted like a cross between cheap Betty Crocker frosting and Jell-O pudding to even enjoy the alleged “toffee skillet” appeal of this cookie. For providing such an unpleasant tactile experience and an even worse visual one, the Sea Salt Toffee Skillet Cookie gets a (frankly, generous) 2.5 out of five feathers.

No. 2: Snickerdoodle Sandwich Cookie 

Unless you’re hoping to speedrun getting diabetes, don’t eat Crumbl’s Snickerdoodle Sandwich Cookie. Individually, the cookies themselves aren’t that sweet, but there are two of them. Plus, they’re situated around a generous layer of frosting. This cookie would probably burst into flames if it got within 100 feet of Good Earth. Although it tastes fine and the vanilla cream cheese frosting comes through nicely, this cookie weighs about three pounds. Stay away. With its monstrous size, sickening sweetness, and the fact that you have to pay an extra 19 or so cents just to add it to your order, the Snickerdoodle Sandwich Cookie deserves no more than three out of five feathers.

No. 1: Brownie Batter Cookie

This “cookie” was in fact a circular, flat brownie. Does Crumbl think we’re stupid? When you go to Crumbl, chances are you’re looking for one thing: a cookie. Not a mutilated version of some other dessert. Sure, the “cookie” tasted good. It was like a perfectly adequate brownie with some appealing fudge-like component and a nice, crunchy yet soft texture. But this cannot excuse the fact that it should not be called the Brownie Batter Cookie! If you put lipstick on a pig, it’s still a pig. This monstrosity was many things, but not a cookie. Thus, although we do concede that its taste was acceptable, the Brownie Batter “Cookie” can only receive 3.5 out of five feathers due to false advertising.

Gallery • 4 Photos

Zoe Levy

The Sea Salt Toffee cookie is topped with a vanilla mousse, caramel, sea salt, and a chocolate drizzle.