When dressing for the extreme heat of a Marin summer, a question arises: What to wear? Of course, the real question is, what not to wear? Lucky for you, The Pitch has a guide to summer fashion trends that should be avoided at all costs.
In-depth:
Jorts: Jorts can be grouped into two equally insulting categories: baggy and skinny. Baggy jorts can be styled, possibly even styled well. However, when done poorly, they are one of, if not the most atrocious articles of clothing. On the other hand, we have skinny jorts. I mean, seriously? Do I even need to get into it?
Carhartt shorts: Marin teenagers will wear anything to be a ‘black sheep’, even if that entails wearing carpenter shorts that make them look like blue-collar workers. This is despite living in the sixth richest county in the U.S.
Cotton shorts: Yes, cotton shorts are comfortable, relaxed, and look good. However, once the temperature reaches 80 degrees, good luck getting rid of that swamp butt.
Tank tops: Tank tops are nice if you want to cool down on a hot summer day, and a great way to show off those guns. In theory, they’re great, just try not to lift your arms and show off the hairy breeding grounds of filthy bacteria that you call armpits.
Flip flops: WHO LET THE DAWGS OUT? I get it, summer is hot and you want to cool down or pick the most convenient shoe, but flip flops!?! You might as well start selling on FeetFinder.
Crocs: I thought we had left these in 2017, but I guess some just want that Croc nostalgia. Other than sentimentality, there is no reason for people to willingly put overpriced, holey pieces of rubber on their feet.
Birkenstock: Why on God’s green earth would you pay 150 dollars for Boston Birkenstocks when you can get just the dupe form for 10 dollars? At this point, I’m not sure if I’ve seen more Birkenstocks or knockoffs, since it’s impossible to tell the difference. Save your money, shop Temu.
“Quick shots”
Baseball caps: Baseball caps are fine unless it’s a Dodgers or Yankees hat that is any color other than black. Just because they’re half the price doesn’t mean it’s any better.
Sun hats: Minus 10 points if you pair this with cheap black sunglasses.
Bucket hats: Is this a hat or a portable cereal bowl?
Pit vipers: As much as you want to be, you’re not Fernando Tatis Jr., bud.
Aviators: You still think you’re in Top Gun?
Player Jerseys: You really think you’re tough after paying over 100 dollars to put someone else’s name on your back.
Chains: I know for a fact that you didn’t pay more than 10 dollars for that Amazon chain.
At this point, you may be wondering: What should I wear? Well, technically you can wear whatever you want, but wearing anything on this list will come with a price: the price of looking like a fool and being ridiculed (by me).
