If you’ve ever wondered what it is like to bite into a stale Tums, look no further. Trader Joe’s has somehow made this already disappointing treat much, much worse. The words printed on the hearts read classic conversation heart phrases such as “wow.” And wow is right. The texture is chalky and rock hard, leaving us wondering if we had chipped a tooth. And the flavor is even worse: an awful mix of artificial fruit and dried-up toothpaste, earning the Conversation Hearts one out of five feathers.

While Trader Joe’s Ricotta Cuoricini Ravioli sounds appealing, the name is just as misleading as the pasta itself. Upon opening the box, we were met with a terrifying sight. The heart-shaped pink pasta was accompanied by brown lumps in the middle, which were supposed to include ricotta cheese and a balsamic spread. Eating said pasta is an experience we would not wish on anyone. The pasta itself was nice and thin, but the texture in the center was enough to bring you back to your preschool years of eating playdough. The so-called balsamic resembled jam that had been left out for months, earning the pasta two out of five feathers. 

Seemingly delicious, the Dark Chocolate Caramel Hearts gave us a sense of false hope. The retro, colorful packaging was enough to lure us in, but we were disappointed as soon as we took a bite. The chocolate coating was reminiscent of the flavorless coating of chocolate-covered raisins. After the first bite, we were somehow disappointed it wasn’t a raisin. Gritty and dry, the caramel tasted like sugar paste. This is the perfect Valentine’s Day gift for someone you secretly dislike, earning two and a half out of five feathers. 

The Trader Joe’s Gummy X’s & O’s have become a classic Valentine’s Day treat, and much like the holiday itself, they cannot be described as more than basic. Other companies should be taking notes, because the actual texture of the gummies cannot be beaten. However, instead of focusing on achieving the perfect gummy, the Trader Joe’s team should be directing their attention to an area that needs all the help it can get: the flavors. Through the artificial taste, it was almost impossible to tell what each gummy was even supposed to taste like. Despite the confusion, the gummies were overall not terrible, earning them three and a half out of five feathers. 

A significant step up from the disaster of the Dark Chocolate Caramel Hearts, the Belgian Chocolate Hearts defied expectations. They started off on the right foot from the very beginning, with visually and artistically appealing packaging. The chocolate was just the right consistency and broke with a perfect crunch revealing the hazelnut center. While the taste was excellent, the texture was a lot thicker than expected, which came as a shock. The combination of the chocolate and hazelnut flavors worked extremely well together, earning the treat four out of five feathers.

Perfectly heart-shaped and coated in chocolate and sprinkles, the Dark Chocolate Mini Heart Cookies meet the expectations for a tasty Valentine’s Day treat. Decadent and rich, the chocolate coating had the perfect flavor. However, the cookie itself was dry, requiring us to chug a bottle of water after snacking on a couple. Overall, the cookies are chocolatey and snackable, earning four and a half out of five feathers. 

The Trader Joe’s Chocolatey Drizzled Strawberry Kettle Corn stole the show by a landslide. The kettle corn could have been a little bit crispier as it tasted a little stale, but the rest of the treat made up for it. The milk chocolate drizzle blended the perfect amount of sweetness with the kettle corn’s salty flavor. This combined with the freeze-dried strawberry crumbs made this Trader Joe’s snack the best by far. With little competition, the Chocolatey Drizzled Strawberry Kettle Corn earns five out of five feathers.